Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I'm bursting but haven't the time

or the inclination to devote my attention to blogging. Not to mention the Papoose’s newest quirk; screaming with abandon every time my butt is parked in the computer chair or my back is turned to him. His invisible toddler sensors perceive any of my futile attempts at ignoring him in hopes of writing something. No matter, his increasing cuteness very much neutralizes his present distemper.

I could pull oodles from the reaches of my brain but today? I’m waxing lonesome for my Girl. She’s at her bio-dad’s for six weeks; standard visitation agreement and all. I may have caught an audible gasp from you and for that I don’t fault you. Six weeks is a very, very long time to be away from your child. A mother and child aren’t intended to be so far from one another during this chapter of life. She and I both realize this and have spent hours deliberating over our broken hearts. I want to encourage her relationship with her father but it’s not that simple when, in a very honest and pleading voice, she asks to stay for only two weeks. I have no control over this. I cannot make him listen to her. This is an emotional dilemma I’ve had to confront for three consecutive summers and I suppose I’ve filed the pain away under P for powerless because again, I cannot make him hear her voice. I wonder if he relates her desire to come home as a personal insult toward his paternal abilities? I don’t doubt I’d feel the same way. We both cherish her and enjoy being with her but 500 miles and one child mix as do oil and water. Sharing her is inevitable and with such a distance comes long stretches of loneliness and waiting.

My Boy is with his bio-mom for the same length of time and I also miss him. He’s such a good child filled with the best of intentions and a helpful spirit. I can only hope she gives him what he so desperately needs; touch from the woman who gave him life. I hold him and it feels good, it feels warm, but it’s not the same. He and I understand and accept this. So for the next six weeks I hope beyond hope that she can give him enough to sustain his maternal longing another year because it’ll be at least that long before they are together again.

Overall this little hodge-podge family we’ve created preserves its familial soundness and we’re always blissfully reunited with our children at July’s end. But the journey we take to our destination fills our hearts to bursting and when I am finally able to wrap my arms around her little bottom, it feels so comforting, safe, and relieving. I will bury my face in her small neck and silently thank the courts that I don’t have to do this again for 11 months. And when she returns to me I can only imagine the ache her father feels as he begins his journey of waiting for next summer.

Either way, we all have a wound to lick. As do all blended families.


Blogger mama said...

I can only imagine the void that fills your heart while you're waiting for her return. I've done two weeks without mine and it was horrible.

The boy is so lucky to have you. Not everyone can see all sides to every story. You are meant to be a Mama of a blended family and it seems you wear the shoes well.


2:27 PM  
Blogger Siuan said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. I would not be able to discribe the empty feeling i would have if my boys were away from me. You are in my thoughts. As for the papoose, mine does the same thing, I wonder if it's because they are the youngest?

4:30 PM  
Blogger samalishy said...

Blended here too- we just found out that bio-mom and her hubz are moving to AZ with "our" teens (not too far but still) we will go from having them every weekend to once every 4 to 6 weeks. Sucks. Its hard on our little ones (5 and 2) they have no grasp on the situation and just lose it when they leave. ((hugs)) to you

6:49 PM  
Blogger jouette said...

beautiful post.
beautiful person.
((hugs)) I hope they return home soon.

11:25 PM  

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