Monday, April 10, 2006

I've been slightly pissed off at God.

I think. Since my self-imposed departure from Catholicism nearly twelve years ago, I feel an element of my spirituality has also departed. Since then I’ve longed to be a part of something so insightful, so perceptive of the life beyond. A path of knowing that would console the hesitant inner child who whispers to me as I sleep. A direction of awareness and faith that would give me strength to, once again, believe. I want this inner harmony not only for myself but for the small people who turn to me with questions. Questions to which I haven’t yet found answers.

Who is Jesus? Where is hell? What does God look like? Is Heaven real? Will you be with me if I go there? Will I look like this when I’m in Heaven? Why do we have to die?


As I spent the last few years exploring such miraculous and peaceful religions like Buddhism, Wicca, Taoism, and Native American traditional beliefs, I’ve found diverse yet comforting ideals that I’ve shared with my small ones. I’ve come to appreciate not one single belief, rather an assembly of diverse philosophies that support one unswerving approach: Do unto your neighbor and your Earth as you would have done unto you. It really is almost that simple. Let your heart bleed with charity with no expectations in return. Live green with the confidence that it does matter. Be tolerant and live peacefully.

At times, this is easier said than done because we are selfish creatures. But we have the capacity to love, and due to my recent experiences with the overly demanding and exasperating Papoose, I know love triumphs over self-interest. My particular self-interest being sleep, sleep, and did I mention? Sleep.

My mind has been weaving these thoughts into the most delicate of quilts. I want to wrap my children in this warmth and soothe their fears, satisfy their curiosity of the beyond, and give them something to consider. I don’t have all the answers but I do have a newly found sense of spirituality thanks due to my local Unitarian Universalist Church. I mustered the courage to dress the small ones in what I considered to be their Sunday best, loaded them into the minivan, and drove them to church.

Apprehensive? Yes. Skeptical? Yes. Were these doubts unfounded? Much to my gladness, yes.

Boy: Can we go again next week?

Me: Yes, we can go again.

Girl: Did you see my blue egg? Miss Terri told me what Easter was about.

Me: Yes, your egg is pretty! And I’m glad you learned about Easter.

I’m learning its okay to not know what you believe. I'm learning that just being spiritual is as profound as being Christian..I’m learning that not all places of Christian worship are fundamental or reinforce unnecessary guilt. And I'm learning to let go of my anger towards God.


Blogger Amanda said...

How exciting! I've considered from time to time trying out the UU church, but I'm not as yet brave or motivated enough. That and I'm not willing to sacrifice my sunday mornings to something I'm not convinced I need. I'm happy with my spiritual ecclecticism for the time being. But I'm happy for you that you've found an outlet you're comfortable with. It will be very good for both you (as a recovered structuralist catholic) and the kids. Is the hubby participating?

11:13 PM  
Blogger R said...

He does want to participate, we're looking for a spiritual connection and he's open to the UU church. Unfortunately, a one year old and church seem to me like oil and water. I didn't want our first turnout to be spent corralling an almost toddler in between pews!

7:30 AM  
Blogger Progressively Me said...

I haven't been able to get back to the UU fellowship since December because weekends are always so busy for us, not to mention, I"m horrible about getting up early on the weekends. My husband won't go with me. He's a hardcore Atheist.

I do have to say, it was the one place I felt comfortable in. I've been to many churches (I was brought up in an Evangelical, Born-Again Christian home), and I have NEVER felt peaceful in one til now.

Just wish I could get my butt in gear and go again!

9:26 AM  
Blogger kat said...

DH and I are both "recovering Catholics," though he's managed to recover more than I - I still have anger and resentment, he's just apathetic.

As much as I dislike the Catholic Church right now though, I miss... mass. Not a traditional Catholic mass - I miss the ritual. I miss the music - is there music at a UU service? I mean, like... "church-y" music? I think the hymns were my favorite part of the ritual of going to Mass. I've been contemplating UU myself. But it's just not something I'd do on my own, and DH is Taoist.

Right now, waking up on Sunday morning snuggled up with my kitty and my hubby is my church. And for now, it's enough. But later... ?? I'm not sure.

7:53 PM  

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