Tuesday, February 21, 2006

My dark window

Goody hairbrush microphone? Check
Black stirrup pants paired with multicolored slouch socks? Check
Appallingly crimped hair marinated in Rave? Done
Hand-me-down Jefferson Starship t-shirt? Rockin’
Coolest 12 year old you ever saw? You bet your sweet ass

And synthesized keyboards…..A-ha!

Talking away

I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
today's another day to find you
Shying away
I'll be coming for you love O.K.

Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
in a day or two

So needless to say I'm odds and ends
But that's me, stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is O.K.
Say after me
It's no better to be safe than sorry.

Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
in a day or two.

The things that you say
Is it live or just to play
My worries away
You're all the things I've got to remember
You shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

Take on me
Take me on
I'll be gone
in a day or two

Everybody needs a theme song. A song to rock out to, a song that carries you back to the days forgotten if not for the overstuffed photo albums and out-of-date formal dresses hidden in your mother’s closet.

There am I in all my buck-toothed glory, singing my heart out and brashly marveling at my reflection that is cast in the darkened picture window. It was my chance to shimmer, my moment to be adored. Sometimes I was Sheena Easton’s back-up singer, sometimes I was Joey MacIntyre’s favorite groupie. And on occasion, I was Tiffany. With my bedroom door barricaded by a wooden trunk, I would flagrantly bust my moves and blow kisses into the crowd. I was the IT girl, the tall, thin, red-haired diva in Guess jeans.

Then my sister would break down the door of my imagination and intrude upon the private show. It was her bedroom too, but for those stolen private moments, my finesse and glorification were everlasting. I was the champion for all the awkward young girls who wanted to be marvelous and mesmerizing….like me. I could hear the low rush of the crowd and the chanting of my name……..or maybe it was just my mother, yelling for me to let my sister in.

The show would end and I would return to my tame, middling life. I would reluctantly return to the harrowing and cruel world of junior high. A world where I was nobody in particular; just a girl plagued by teasing and mockery. A girl who silently wept in a lonely bathroom stall. A girl whose childhood friendships had given way to the struggles of puberty and the craving for acceptance. A girl who wasn’t quite ready to reap the rewards of mascara and well-coifed hair. A girl who still played Super Spy Sleuth Adventure Quest with her best friend in the world; a nine year old neighborhood boy. A girl who had never been kissed, didn’t yet wear a bra, and lied about getting her period to alleviate some of the teasing.

The dark window was my escape. It lifted me up just enough to thwart my heart from completely breaking into a thousand little pieces. It provided just enough confidence to prop my head up so I could face that junior high hallway.

Even with all the phases I’ve surpassed and poise I’ve secured, I still feel very small when I dredge up the memories of junior high.

Everybody needs a theme song. A song to take them up up and away.


Blogger Amanda said...

That's interesting and ironic simultaneously. When I think of you in junior high, bad hair and all, you were always someone I envied. You were friends with all the right people, your father was a teacher (which for some reason I thought was cool), and you seemed to really like your siblings (which at that point, I did not). It's funny how mysterious,and therefore "cool" everyone seemed, who lived on a different side of town, and thus rode a different bus to school. I myself never considered myself pretty enough to befriend the "popular" girls. You, to me, were that illustrious girl that I treasured as a friend both because we had fun AND because I considered you my one link to the world of coolness. Just goes to show how skewed every individual's experience is from reality.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Reid said...

My theme song is "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. A little ska with a bouncing bass line always sets the mood.

Of course, the way things are going lately, I keep hearing the theme from "The Shield" in my head.

9:49 PM  

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