THANK GOODNESS!

I am just so thankful for the media’s obsessive coverage of Paris Hilton’s current dilemma. If it weren’t for the paparazzi's celebutant-stalking, how would I possibly stay abreast of her every waking movement? Omigaw hold up! According to Fox News, she just farted! Oh……never mind, it was just Gretchen Carlson crossing her legs. I heard Paris only had three blankets in jail! Isn’t that crazy? I’m totally glad they’re keeping me so informed because I’m just way bored of the Darfur thing you know? All that genocide and rape. Gawd, what a total bummer. And can we just move on from all that Iraq war news and stuff? They’re all terrorists anyway. They did break away from Hilton’s coverage to update us on W’s tummy ache. Dude musta ate some bad bbq.