I'm squirming.

It's official. Our jackass President can't make himself any more of an idiot. At the G-8 summit, he took the liberty of fondling German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Judging by her reaction, I'd say she wanted to kick him square in the balls. Do it girlfriend. Perhaps the sheer force of a good German-made boot up the ass would loosen any un-coked good brain cells he has left.

For the pregnant Lady

and my for my hairdresser:
Here we are precious with much shorter locks. We likes it. We feel liberated from the weight of postpartum frizz. We intend to lop our hair off every year until we get it right and no longer need help.

Goodness I just noticed how very broad and muscle-y my shoulders appear. Do not be fooled. It's the angle at which I'm holding the camera and not my Pilates inspired arms.

It's only hair.

Today, in a moment of bothered impulsiveness, I may or may not have grabbed my good pair of fiskars and chopped off the bottom layer of my hair. Then, on the verge of discouraged tears, I may or may not have called my sister and pleaded for her to make sense of the mangled beast fix it. She may or may not have been able to salvage an early 90's Shannon Doherty angled bob. My childhood friend hairdresser may or may not want to reach through her monitor and throttle me for cutting my own hair for the umpteenth time again.

And just when I couldn't hold back

the release of my lovesick tears any longer, I looked at the Papoose and decided we needed to Get.Out. Out of the house that holds constant reminders of Her. My darling daughter who is currently 500 miles away from me for three more weeks. Sometimes I sit on her bed and shuffle through her diary, laughing at her phonetic misspellings with melancholy. Yesterday I wrote her another letter, just two pages of happy thoughts and the silly goings-on of her baby brother. I can’t possibly write what’s actually in my head.

So I pretend I’m okay and I pretend she’s okay.

I pretend three weeks isn’t an eternity in seven year old terms and I wear the happy mask. I’m always wearing the happy mask. When people ask me how she’s doing I stifle the pang of longing and tell them what a great time she and her Daddy are having and that I talked to her on the phone just recently. In reality, her father rarely answers his phone, but when we do ultimately have our weekly chat she asks to come home. It’s much too painful to talk about the truth so I play happy.

So out we ventured, just my Papoose and me. We took pleasure in a two mile stroll along the bike path as he stole my we shared an extra thick chocolate milkshake. We popped into and out of many yard sales, looking for nothing in particular. And just as we turned onto our road I saw a “Moving Sale – 9:00 to 2:00” sign. What the heck, I pulled in. No sooner did I place him down and off he ran to a red ride-on fire truck, complete with bells, whistles, and wheels. Again with the wheels. And for only $3! Out of the corner of my eye I quickly spotted a plastic table and chair set in gently used condition. And for only $3! An annoying Wiggles piano? For only 50¢! Three pair of 2T winter pajamas? For only $1.50! What a rush grabbing other people’s crap good bargains can be. We loaded up the van and headed for home to clean our new treasures.

I flipped on the college radio station just in time to be flooded with memories of two friends just as dorky as I, hiding behind beach towels in hand-me-down bikinis, plastic fruit (don’t ask), and a pumpin’ stereo system. The entire ride home I was filled with a sense of accomplishment at my newly acquired and inexpensive junk toys and entertaining memories of sunburns and Grand Lake. For the five minute ride home I wasn’t thinking about missing her. For five minutes I was singing out loud and smiling. So, for all you 30 somethings out there: Do you take sugar, one lump or two?

You're 15 months old today.

But you’re still my baby, my last little baby. I love so much about you. I love how the small upside down triangles leading away from the puddle remind me that life’s simplest pleasure comes from being sprayed by the hose.














I love how you whisper "nun-nun" so softly while aggressively looking down my shirt in search of your beloveds.

I love that for this moment in time, I'm your only girl.

Whether they’re on matchbox cars, your little red wagon, a shopping cart, or my vacuum; you love wheels.














I love that you’ve learned sign language; your capacity to absorb new information continually overwhelms me.

You don’t like baths and you’ll only shower in my arms. Thank you for teaching me how to effectively bathe one-handed.

You head-bang along to the theme song to That 70’s Show.

We clapped for you when you threw your soiled diaper in the garbage and now you expect applause every time you drop your sippy cup in there too.

I’ve taught you to sniff your father’s toes and say “blech!”

When you want a tractor ride you sign cracker because, well, don’t they sound awfully similar?

You’ve taught me that sleep is overrated.

You’ve taught me that sometimes breastfeeding has absolutely nothing to do with nutrition and everything to do with serenity and security.

You’ve learned to climb.















And climb.















Your relentlessly picky eating habits help me acknowledge and manage my own control issues with food.

You are the glue that makes the five of us related.

You've taught your big brother and big sister to be unselfish.

Without your small warm body in my arms this summer I fear my heart would shatter into one thousand lonely pieces.

Happy 15 month day my little Papoose!

Bi-Polar Bear

So I'm letting it go again
I'm halfway full on
Left my meds on the sink today
My head will be racing by lunchtime
So I'm holding her hand again
My palm sweats
Hold on
Think I've had too much coffee
I'm manic as hell
But I'm goin strong
Left my meds on the sink again
My head will be racing by lunchtime
Don't sleep behind the wheel at the stoplight
Can't sleep behind the wheel as you're drivin home
You keep comin down the hill as you're fallin
You keep fallin from the hill as you're comin down ~Stone Temple Pilots













Seriously. I'd like to play outside today but Mr. Bear wants to sit across from my house and eat berries. The nerve.