Friday, August 08, 2008

Even though our plan is three

and fallopian tubes have been tied, the forever maternal longing within me mourned the loss of something that never even was. A little whisper in my ear giggling it’s possible. Maybe this little egg tried to wake something in me that I’d long since folded and neatly put away in the bottom drawer. This little one wanted to get noticed. It wasn’t getting reabsorbed quietly or without a fight. Its’ refusal to pack up and leave town stirred me. It gave me sore boobs and a niggling hope. It made me silently wish for a surgical failure.

As it turned out, my doctor was a proficient surgeon and my fallopian tubes have not re-grown together.

It was just two weeks of lateness, fatigue, and confused anticipation. And really, that’s okay because I never had it to begin with. I only had a possibility. Possibilities aren’t always endless. Some end.

But the baby that occupied my heart for the past 14 days did exist. And I named her Daisy.


Blogger kat said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:24 PM  
Blogger kat said...

Oh, sweetie. {{{HUGS}}} I had a Daisy once, and I'd be lying if I said no tears were shed when I realized she wasn't to be.

(sorry about the first comment - I mistyped something and wanted to fix it)

4:25 PM  
Blogger preTzel said...

BTDT. Thought I was but realized my OB/GYN took me seriously when I said "If I get pregnant I'm coming after you first and my husband second. I don't want another child/pregnancy, none of that." It's been 10 years now (June 6th, 1998) and there are times I wish I would have waited...and then my kids start fighting and I thank the surgery - gods for not unhooking those tied/cut/burnt/ringed tubes. :)

4:44 PM  

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