News from The County Weekender

During the peak afternoon humidity, a Local Lawnmower failed in his valiant attempt to win the weekly contest between himself and his neighbor for the best manicured lawn. In an unprecedented maneuver of untested effectiveness, he veered his lawn tractor towards a steep ditch, attempting a 90° angle strip of mowed grass with precise corners and criss-crossing patterns. Although he had never attempted such a challenging and uncommon technique before, Mr. Local Lawnmower felt confident in his abilities and blamed the mishap on outside forces over which he had no control. Had it also not been for his oversight in wearing unsuitable footwear, Mr. Local Lawnmower tells reporters “There’s no doubt my foot would’ve hit the brake instead of the gas.” Mr. Local Lawnmower deeply regrets his choice of sandals but insists “They are the comfiest shoes I’ve ever owned and were well worth the money spent.”

He also blames the accident on wet conditions, but justifies mowing despite inclement weather on his desire to get a “head start on the competition” while his neighbor remained helplessly trapped at work today. He told reporters that he “enjoys setting the bar by being the first one on the field.”

Although he does feel humbled by this unfortunate setback, he felt he was able to redeem himself by what he referred to as an “Indiana Jones-like pivot and leap” off the tractor and a “one armed hang” leaving him dangling from the stalks of the goldenrod flowers that have just come into bloom. Mr. Local Lawnmower also mentioned that the flowers look very healthy this year and he hopes for a beautiful blooming season.

Mr. Local Lawnmower’s wife refused to comment other than “I’m sick and tired of him almost killing himself. What the hell am I going to do with three kids and no husband if he up and dies on me? You know what? Go ahead and leave me with that life insurance policy.” Mrs. Local Lawnmower shrieked towards her husband with raised fists. “Know what I’ll do? I’ll sell that damned John Deere and hire a lawn service!”

Reporters left the scene as Mr. Local Lawnmower could be seen on his knees, pleading with his furious wife as she threatened to cancel his Tractor Home Magazine subscription and buy one for the neighbor instead.